home

i was a right turn away

from the place i lived

heading home after

a long day at work

but where i lived wasn’t home

so i kept driving

and i found myself

driving endlessly

going nowhere

in my car

following endless roads

with my music blasting

and the rain falling

a light drizzle

i felt comfort

i felt peace

even without a destination

the journey

the moving

the anticipation

was home

 

I’m going to need more gas money

 

i want

i want a small apartment in the upper west side

a tiny space that i can afford

and that could be all mine

and i want all my things in there

only things i need

nothing more

minimal

and clean

and i want windows

large and bright

with light

flowing through

white sheer currents

like comfort

and my bed

close by

 

i want to wake up with the sun

step on a fluffy rug

to my tiny makeshift kitchen

i just need a plug and a sink

nothing much

i can make tea with the kettle

and cook on a hot plate

and the only other thing in the tiny room

is a small cozy chair

and a table that unfolded

for me to use

to write on

and I take walks

in the morning

in the afternoon

and at night

by the park

I watch the people hurry through

while I move slowly and silently

i sit still and watch them

 

and I still will have to work

but my hours

won’t be long and miserable

just a couple of hours twice a week

or three times a week

and with all my other hours

i will create

i will write

i will sing

i will learn to paint

 

i do theater shows at night

and i stand on stage

under bright lights

i transform

and i tell stories of people who’ve never existed

 

then I walk home

and get ready for bed

with my tea

and my cat

and simple sleeping clothes

and the fluffy rug

and the large window

and maybe I have someone special

that I met

and maybe i don’t

I’m happy as I am

thats the plan

thats all i want

the trouble is

 

my dreams are real

physical visceral living things

they breathe when i breathe

 

they follow me around

like a pet

the kind that goes where you go

changing its form to blend into the environment

like a secret

 

a secret no one knows

and no one sees

 

so when i talk about it

they nod and smile and say

either

“go for it”

or

“its unrealistic”

like it not there

like its not right in front of them

breathing when i breathe

 

the secret is that time is not linear

i can see the future and the past,

all the same

occurring

different games in different screens

but all playing in front of me

 

so i already know

its not a secret to me

i will be what i will be

 

the trouble is

nightmares are dreams too