rumination

when i was young

and i got a cut

it would last forever

because

every time it would begin to heal

and scab would form

i would pick at it

i would peel it

i hated the bumpiness of the scab

how it protruded from my skin

how it was discolored

and found that I needed to remove

to make my skin smooth again

 

but every time I did

it bled

and another scab would form

and i would do again

and again

and again

even though i knew

it would never heal that way

self care

a list of things that are good for me:

  1. writing my (cringy) poetry
  2. fasting and only drinking water and unsweetened tea (really)
  3. going on a walk outdoors and walking briskly
  4. listening to audiobooks and podcasts that inspire me
  5. sitting and laughing with loved ones while we watch TV
  6. (I probably should go back to therapy)
  7. taking a shower and soaping up lavishly
  8. a face mask always helps me feel more me
  9. blasting music and dancing with glee
  10. remembering that I am actually free
  11. making plans with people who are important to me
  12. remembering mindset is the key
  13. remembering I’m in charge of my reality

baby steps to recovery

baby steps to a happier me

baby steps to who I want to be

 

 

invite her over for some tea

I remember distinctly

a session I once had in therapy

where I felt the heavy ropes of fear

tighten over me

 

“she knows where I live”, I said

breathing shallowly

“she knows where I am

and she’s threatening me”

 

“so disarm her”, my therapist said to me

and casually invite her over for some tea

and if you don’t show fear

she’ll let you go, she’ll let you be

 

I came back a week later

light, smiling, and carefree

“it worked!” I said “I’m free”

and that was the last time my mother threatened me

(or even spoken to me, but that’s another story)

 

so today when I felt the dread of fear over me

I decided to invite the cause of it over for some tea

maybe the threats of loneliness and sadness

were also bluffing, and would let me be

 

I set two cups on the table carefully

and set the kettle on for the tea

and sat down and waited anxiously

fear still painfully stinging like a bee

 

I thought a heard a knock but there was nobody

but when I looked back at the table I could see

a young girl staring warily at me

her fists clenched, her eyes wide, her hair curly

 

I sat across from her and sipped my tea

she didn’t want any. . .  she looked at me sadly

I looked away disgracefully

how can I blame a child for what was happening to me

 

“I’m sorry” she said quietly

“I’ve been clinging to you unconsciously”

I looked down at my tea

uncomfortable with a young child apologizing to me

 

I guess fear and loneliness is just our reality

I smile at her and she smiles at me

we sit for hours silently

me, my tea, and seven year old me

 

fill the hole!

The hole is bigger

I repeat! The hole is bigger

ok what do already have in 

to fill the hole?

we have work!

she took extra hours on call

but the hole is not filled at all

maybe give it some time?

no! it’s getting worse

she cant stop crying!

have you tried the activities we reviewed

in our last meeting?

ma’m, we went on a long walk outdoors

took a hot shower

and listened to self help books

and how did it go?

good. . .but the hole is too big!

we need people! loved ones and lovers

we didn’t want to disturb her best friend 

it’s Valentine’s day weekend

and she’s with her boyfriend

ahh Valentine’s Day–is that the hole trigger?

it’s honestly hard to tell anymore,

things falling apart

her center cannot hold

ok how about that guy? that she went on a date with?

they talked all night and she likes him! 

he says he likes her too.

he hasn’t texted her in 3 days

who was last to text?

she was

text him again!

are you sure?

yes! and also text her other friend

and do it now as she’s busy with work

so she wont constantly check her screen

ma’m, her friend answered . . .she cant hang

and no word at all from the guy

damn

the hole. . . .its really big

she keeps shaking, she can’t breathe

. . . .

ma’m, I think we should deploy our emergency method

I don’t want us to

I know. . .

do it

shovel it in

2 microwavable dinners

a pint of ice cream

family size bag of chips

a box of cookies

fruit snacks

ice pops

shovel it in and DISTRACT

fire up the laptop

8 tabs open

Youtube, Netflix, Hulu

emails, instagram, facebook,

sensory overload

 

ma’m the hole is filled”

 

for the first time all day

laying on my bed

surrounded by food wrappers

unable to move

with 3 shows playing simultaneously

i smile.

 

now that I feel better

we can find a better way to fill the hole

tomorrow

 

 

stop being sad

stop being sad

you’re sad because you’re ungrateful

you got out of a bad situation

you have a roof over your head

a good job

all the food you wanna eat

and money to save and go out with

 

you have friends

that are like family

they check up on you and ask about you

but you’re too sad to notice

 

but they will notice that you are sad

and they will stay away

no one wants a sad friend

a sad lover

a sad coworker

sad for no reason

ungrateful and down

bringing everyone down too

d            o            w              n

to your hole

a dungeon full of the hungry dogs of your needs

where you are dirty and disheveled

where the dogs will rip them apart

shreds all over

of the people you love

 

so smile

put your head up

talk about gratitude

and how happy you are

and how wonderful it is

and they will stay

and they will call

and you’ll be okay

 

just make sure you take time on your own

you need it to fight inside the dungeon

to keep the dogs at bay

 

im tired

so tired

i need to walk it off

i need my feet to move and my mind to still

even if its cold outside

even if its death outside

i need to go

 

i’m so tired of it

tired of explaining it

i’ve run out of metaphors

the gut clinch

the unfurling fingers

the deadly flowers

the pit

the hollow bones

the heavy rocks

 

let me be

i want stillness

i want peace

 

i say

but its not true

i’m tired but i can still see

that i need this

to write and create and be

it’s to make me

i’m molding myself

and its going to hurt

and we’re only beginning