the slumps

the worse part of the slumps.

the creeping low

that slowly blocks the sunlight

where the everything is okay!

turns into ‘what is everything?’

is

when

the mind is numb

and i cannot say what i want to say

sometimes i think i can write the music

i can worm into your mind

and make it sound like mine

but not when im here

and when im happy

im uninspired

so im stuck

and every song will die with me

hard times

times are hard . . .

for the dreamers.

and hard times,

make for hard hearts.

blocked minds

shot the dreams

wispy goals

and far off fantasies

have no life here

they say there is a time and a place

for such things

maybe i should go to another time?

maybe i’m in the wrong place?

wildest dreams

there is someone out there living your dream

your most outlandish impossible dreams

are someone’s mundane reality

someone who is everything you wish to be

someone who’s job is acting on tv

someone who’s face has perfect symmetry

(who fulfills every beauty standard of society)

someone with a large, supportive, and loving family

someone who travels the world endlessly

someone who’s wealth means no financial worry

woe is me!

I will never reach that reality

but wait

before you feel pity

realize something for me

someone dreams to live in your city

someone wishes for your job’s stability

someone with health issues or disability

may wish they can easily move their body

someone with a toxic abusive family

dreams to be alone and free

someone wishes that their world had security

someone who wishes to be a rich and wealthy

by having running water, food, and a sense of safety

how lucky am I?

it depends on how I see

the tunnel and the light

there is no light

at the end of the tunnel

(there is light all the way through)

your eyes adjust

to the brightness you’re in

(and only see the light at the end)

it’s an illusion

to run

to get to the end

like something is there for you

to make the tunnel worth it

like the tunnel has a purpose

(like the end is why you shouldn’t quit)

like the answer to everything is in the end that is lit

but there is light as you take every step

it illuminates all you do

don’t get fooled

dont rush all you do

take your time

savour the steps

because what if

there is nothing at the end

a test run

it’s a test run

a slow down

a simulation of loss

everything that’s been slowly trending up

is now quickly trending down

and you watch it

live

as it slips away

POP QUIZ

i hope you studied

this is a test

for steady state

can you weather the storm?

can you hold your own hand?

you’ve happily embraced the ups

and said you were found

and that the worth is all in you

so i wonder

will you embrace the down too?

can you be okay when all that is left is you?

the city lights

I’ve abused the magic

I’ve been bathing in the lights every night

(i was only supposed

to go once in a while)

And they’re losing their glamour 

The lights have gotten dimmer

(darker?)

The healing has been exchanged

For reality

I can see the lightbulb 

I see it flicker

I see a crack in the glass

The dirt that settled there

The energy and the vibes

Are just bullshit

New age spirituality 

Garbled nonsense

I see rats running across

A garbage strewn sidewalk 

I see the gum marks and the urine stains

That I somehow missed 

Distracted by the glitter

The magic is gone

I must mend myself

I can no longer go there to heal

here is a me

hello it says (shyly)

here is a couple of pictures of me

they are on slides for you to see

presented to you so easily

so you can have your pick for free

(to possibly be

compatible with me)

take the time to look before you flee

and read the one line i wrote about me

i would write more but vulnerability

right now is not something i can be

i will not giving up the depth of me for free

but here is a picture that displays some symmetry

something that will attract someone (thirsty)

so suddenly i had three

dates to go meet someone and somebody

2 hrs before we meet someone cancelled on me

and somebody was acting very flaky

and the third was actually nobody

so i’m back to displaying slides of my face

hoping to attract someone to me

steady state

the storm came in

it blew across

it shattered windows

it broke through walls

but the boat remained

right in it’s dock

 

the winds were fierce

the people fled

and all around

the chaos spread

battering on around the clock

but the little boat

remained in its dock

 

the skies all cleared

the people returned

the town was rebuilt

no more concerns

the streets were bright

the atmosphere chill

and the boat remained

in its place still

 

the children grew

the elders passed

if the world’s a stage

then they changed the cast

the town was named

something new

but the boat retained

it’s familiar view

 

the highs and lows

it never took bait

throughout it all

it kept the wait

the outside changes

(it fluctuates)

but the little boat

was steady state

 

so even though my body grew

and i felt emotions that were brand new

and the faces around me changed at a fast rate

a little bit of me stayed steady state

 

the town was then set ablaze

and everything familiar in it changed

(and even the folks who swore were unfazed

could not help but feel very estranged)

and then it was abandoned too

the townsfolk felt like there was nothing left to do

 

so they left it all to decay

 

but the little boat

would not sway

the little boat

remained in its bay

 

they do what they do

and they say what they say

but no matter what happens

at the end of the day

the steady state boat will stay, will stay, will stay

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Alone

I am in my place alone

there is safety and there is comfort

but they tell me that alone is sad

that alone is wrong

that alone is not enough to build a home

when you are alone they assume you are lonely

 

‘you need someone there’

‘you need another hand’

‘you need an arm around to comfort’

‘you need your other half, a strong capable man’

‘when you are alone then you will be lonely’

 

the ads and the pressure from all around

telling you to surround yourself with others

distract from all your inner thoughts

images, people, and songs

telling  you that when you are alone you are lonely

 

but I have me here

I have all the hands I need

I have my arms around me

and they comfort me lovingly

in fact I’ve been the loneliest surrounded by family

I’ve been the loneliest when someone slept next to me

 

and when I turn off the outside voices

the social media goals

the dreams of the generations before

and I listen to my reality

I can hear that I am enough

 

alone is enough

alone is a blessing

when you are alone they assume you are lonely

because they bury their lonely in others

and pretend it is no longer there

 

lonely is a human’s shadow

it is always there

 

when you are alive you are lonely

 

 

Nose Job

i have a big nose

my mother told me

it’s a manifestation of all the things wrong with me

 

it’s displaced in my face

 

it’s uncomely and it’s a disgrace

 

i got used to them making fun of my face

 

 

 

“you’re very pretty” a new school friend told me

“you’re features are dainty and quite lovely.”

 

i rolled my eyes at her and scoffed because you see

my mother had already warned me

that every kind of compliment was actually made to ridicule me

 

so when i left and became “free”

i got a job and supported myself financially

i decided to save money for a surgery

that will surely fix everything that was wrong with me

 

but when i looked in the mirror i couldn’t see

anything i liked about me

and surely the rhinoplasty

wouldn’t solve all my problems for me

 

so i added up the things i need

and i realized i didn’t have the money

to permanently fix my face and body

 

and it was at that point another thought popped in

that maybe there is nothing to fix

maybe i could be okay with all of this

my natural body and my natural face

are who i am and cant be replaced

 

and maybe all these insecurities are displaced

and in fact there is nothing wrong with my face

my sense of reality was just altered

 

so i can alter it back

i’m going to make myself my own standard of beauty

and it will be my current body and my current face

embrace who you are, embrace