i was a right turn away
from the place i lived
heading home after
a long day at work
but where i lived wasn’t home
so i kept driving
and i found myself
driving endlessly
going nowhere
in my car
following endless roads
with my music blasting
and the rain falling
a light drizzle
i felt comfort
i felt peace
even without a destination
the journey
the moving
the anticipation
was home
I’m going to need more gas money
there is a moment in my life that my mind goes back to
whenever I have an episode of crushing anxiety
when the party is over and everyone has left
i go to back this moment
when I first moved out
in my first apartment
and the only furniture I had was this old twin bed
and i would fall asleep every night smothered in the fold of anxiety
in the loneliest, scariest time of my life
wondering if it will ever go away
struggling to breathe
and one day I fell asleep to a taylor swift song
called best day
and I woke up calm
quiet
in my room
with the old twin bed
in the empty apartment
sunlight streaming through the slightly open window
its beams of light dancing on the hardwood floor
the air cool but comfortable
my soul no longer twisted and knotted
i breathe normally
and I smile
it doesn’t make any sense
the normal breath
the calm
the taylor swift song
but i’ll take it
September 15, 2017 9:31 PM
Dear Diary,
I’m home.
I was looking forward to it all week. Since I left last Friday.
I spent the weekend in Las Vegas for my friend’s Bachelorette party. It was fun. Of course I had fun. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. *wink* *wink* #VegasBaby
Just kidding. I’ll tell you exactly what happened in Vegas.
Why does everyone have flat stomachs other than me?
Why am I so FAT?
I wish I was pretty, then I can easily get into places like those people.
Person 1, 2, and 3 got hit on 5 times in the past hour but no one hit on me.
I should just get a nose job who cares if it doesn’t fit with my allnaturallovesherself dream character that I am trying to be.
Oh now your hitting on me after you went through all my friends. Bye.
Maybe your self consciousness is what’s making you look ugly.
Maybe you are just ugly and that’s okay because who cares right?
I need to lose weight right now, as of this second you are on a diet. Fruit ONLY!
I’m not ugly I’m average. And thats okay.
I mean its whats on the inside that counts right? Not everyone could be beautiful so I’m just gonna focus on being an intellectual and write inspiring things and make movies? Maybe one day.
I’m just going to be nothing and that’s okay too?
Oh my GOD STOP THINKING SO MUCH YOU AT A “FUN” CLUB AT LAS VEGAS
I’m gonna eat this cookie because I’m in Vegas and this is a free country.
I wish I can just make all this self deprecating brain activity stop.
My friend, the bride to be, looked absolutely stunning. I think she had a good time and that’s what matters.
Then I got on a plane to Minnesota for a work trip for the rest of the week. Three years ago I went there to get trained and now I’m going there to help with training. Funny how that works.
I had fun.
And generally had a good idea of whats going on in the class. Which I believe is called a “good thing”.
The class even wrote and signed a Thank you card. How sweet! (feels wanted +1)
Now I’m back home. My sister and her boyfriend picked me up at the airport. I thought my sister would stay home with me and that we would catch up and that maybe we could watch the new season of Bojack Horseman together. I haven’t seen her in a week.
But she left.
Now I’m in an empty 2 bedroom home alone on a Friday night and it doesn’t feel like I thought home would feel.
And I have this feeling in my stomach. A feeling of queasiness and emptiness and I remember it from that horrible year when I left HOME (yes that home) and was alone for the first time and very sad and had horrible paniC atTAcKs the SqueeZE you so bad and so darkly that your not sure of anything anymore.
where is home
Somesortofpoetry 