the tunnel and the light

there is no light

at the end of the tunnel

(there is light all the way through)

your eyes adjust

to the brightness you’re in

(and only see the light at the end)

it’s an illusion

to run

to get to the end

like something is there for you

to make the tunnel worth it

like the tunnel has a purpose

(like the end is why you shouldn’t quit)

like the answer to everything is in the end that is lit

but there is light as you take every step

it illuminates all you do

don’t get fooled

dont rush all you do

take your time

savour the steps

because what if

there is nothing at the end

far away

2 weeks ago i went far away

i didnt even pack. (i just left)

and i went to a far off place

and i didn’t tell anyone

 

it’s nice here

its like a pond thats calm

and clear

it’s cool and dark

i spend my time floating here

 

if you ask my roommate when i left

she’ll say i never did

because the strange thing is

im still here

 

i go to work

and drive back home

i eat whatever

and mostly want to be alone

 

im on my bed but in the pond

im talking to a friend

but im not there at all

I’ve cancelled everything i could

but there still much i have to do

 

how can i explain i left

when my body is still here?

i trust no one

i’m getting better (i think to myself)

i bring out the graph of my life

and look at my plotted emotions

i stand in front of my invisible crowd

and ask if everyone can see the screen okay

i hear a yes echo in my mind

 

“here you can see a 9.8% decrease of my ‘i suck’ thoughts”

i click to the next slide

“this is a significant improvement to last quarter’s numbers”

i see the crowd nod.   impressed

i breathe in deeply “and here we can see

we shrunk the pit to a more manageable amount

it is no longer a boring hole of despair”

 

i quickly click through the next slides

where i show my raw numbers (no need for them to see

that I took some liberties

calculating the numbers on the screen)

“and here you can even see we finally went to therapy”

 

i watched the ceo flip through the pages of my slide

i made a physical copy of each

this presentation and its results were very important to me

“good work,” he (?) said to me

(it’s very interesting that the ceo of my mind is a ‘he’)

“this is very important work you’ve done for the company”

 

i smile politely and begin to leave

until he verbally stops me

“hold on, how is the trust department doing?”

“great! ” i said

he (?) doesn’t need to know about the email that i sent

paragraphs of flowery words that read:

thank you for all you’ve done for me,

you’re kindness and support truly surprised me

but the this is the last communication from me

because the truth is i trust nobody

no one is coming to save you

so save yourself

I repeated that

everyday with every breath

my new mantra

 

i had it as my wallpaper

on every one of my screens

i wrote it in all my books

i surrounded myself with it

 

no one is coming to save you

blunt and harsh

not a kind statement

a hard pill to swallow

 

it was a necessary process

to unlearn the years of fantasy

of disney dreams and fairytales

of magic happy endings

 

wishing upon a star

waiting for a fairy godmother

and a prince

or even a kind stranger

 

all i had to do was be good

and helpless

and wait for them to appear

my whole life. a damsel in distress

 

but the reality

was i was slowly sinking

in my naivety

a quicksand of ignorance

 

a time waste of longing

sitting by the window

looking out for a far off figure

to take me somewhere better

 

i packed my bags and hid them

and waited and waited and waited

until finally i realized

i can just pick them up myself and go

 

and so i did

i carried them out

and left

and it was glorious

 

it’s a wonderful thing to save yourself

its a wonderful thing to go

 

 

 

bird

i think i’ll be a bird

an insignificant tiny city bird

the brown ones with the non descript patterns

the ones no one sees as they rush through life

 

but i see them

when i sit on a park bench in silence

i see them flying around

chirping

pecking at some pizza crumb

throughly enjoying their nyc diet

 

i watch them

and look at them

a little bit of wildlife in the concrete jungle

they’re actually beautiful

 

their wings delicate and quick

 

i look up at the humans rushing around

and i wonder if any of them has ever looked at

the pattern on the wing

of that pretty brown bird

eating their crumbs in front of me

 

a sparrow i think

thats what they are

brown sparrows

 

and that’s what I’ll be

beautiful but unnoticed

insignificantly there

living in the city

and flying free

 

 

 

 

home

i was a right turn away

from the place i lived

heading home after

a long day at work

but where i lived wasn’t home

so i kept driving

and i found myself

driving endlessly

going nowhere

in my car

following endless roads

with my music blasting

and the rain falling

a light drizzle

i felt comfort

i felt peace

even without a destination

the journey

the moving

the anticipation

was home

 

I’m going to need more gas money

 

i want

i want a small apartment in the upper west side

a tiny space that i can afford

and that could be all mine

and i want all my things in there

only things i need

nothing more

minimal

and clean

and i want windows

large and bright

with light

flowing through

white sheer currents

like comfort

and my bed

close by

 

i want to wake up with the sun

step on a fluffy rug

to my tiny makeshift kitchen

i just need a plug and a sink

nothing much

i can make tea with the kettle

and cook on a hot plate

and the only other thing in the tiny room

is a small cozy chair

and a table that unfolded

for me to use

to write on

and I take walks

in the morning

in the afternoon

and at night

by the park

I watch the people hurry through

while I move slowly and silently

i sit still and watch them

 

and I still will have to work

but my hours

won’t be long and miserable

just a couple of hours twice a week

or three times a week

and with all my other hours

i will create

i will write

i will sing

i will learn to paint

 

i do theater shows at night

and i stand on stage

under bright lights

i transform

and i tell stories of people who’ve never existed

 

then I walk home

and get ready for bed

with my tea

and my cat

and simple sleeping clothes

and the fluffy rug

and the large window

and maybe I have someone special

that I met

and maybe i don’t

I’m happy as I am

thats the plan

thats all i want

anxious

I’m on the seesaw of anxiety and its on the way down

I feel it

like the quick drop in my stomach as the elevator heads down

like a black cloud of moths

moths in my stomach

feeding on the fabric of my life

leaving it frayed and torn and falling apart

 

I feel like I should be taking advantage of this slow work day

clean the apartment, edit a youtube video, practice a monologue

exercise, go grocery shopping, call my sister

i dont

 

inside I lay in bed

all day

watching (i don’t know what)

and feeling the feeling of anxiety build within

constantly scanning social media

wishing I was skinnier and prettier and popular

then wondering if that would even help

 

i don’t think so

and so I enjoy the ride down

soon it will swing up again

i just need to ride it out

 

 

1:18 AM

I have work in 5 hours.

I’m still up (again),

surprise!?

and you won’t believe why. . .

 

today I failed (again)

surprise(d)!?

I failed

something that I have attempted and

failed so many times

 

but here is the surprise

I finally learned to fail correctly

I failed well

I failed right

 

because I didn’t fail more

because just like you can try better

you can also fail more (it’s a spectrum)

 

look

when I usually fail my underlying disappointment in myself

and my distaste for who I am

fortifies and strengthens

“you are worthless, I knew this was going to happen” I say to myself when I fail

and then I fail more deeply

I do worse because I feel worse

because I am worse

 

but today

I said nothing to myself

I recognized my failure

and I stopped

and I rolled up it’s leftovers and threw it out

and I washed my hands

and I brushed my teeth

and I stretched deeply

and I thought about tomorrow

and How I can fail even better than today

 

slowly fail better and better until I see success

cross the line slowly

speak to myself kindly

and look at my failure as success

 

and for the first time since I was 15

I looked in the mirror

and I looked at my face

and I examined my features

and I no longer wanted a nose job.

 

 

try better

maybe you should try better and not just try more

and that’s what I’ve been doing all wrong

but on days like this

I feel sucked in and sunken in place

and I hate the way I look, how fat I feel

how ugly my face

 

and I spend time lying in bed

another beautiful sunny day

to spend entirely indoors

“sorry, I’m not free today.”

No people to see this face

thank goodness

 

and I watch tv and see beautiful successful people on display

and on social media, everyone is beautiful in their own quirky way

not me though, I’m un-lookable

especially today

and beauty is ugly crying in the bathroom alone

in its own quirky way

 

Eventually I have to eat right?

if I didn’t eat I would wither away

and lose the weight

and then I can’t be fat anymore and have to try again

 

and I need the food

the junky kind, its all I have to look forward to in life

a junky getting the temporary high

an unhappy soul that doesn’t want to exist but is not willing to die

 

put my cap on low on my face so there is nothing to see

venture outside

spend money then quickly get back to bed

and consume nothing that is good for me

 

I’ll try again tomorrow

I will shop for greens and make a healthy meal

go outside for a walk or run (haha)

call up a friend and chat. . .

and if I don’t do any of that

then I guess “I’ll just try again”

 

 

right?

and thats how i live my lie