i want

i want a small apartment in the upper west side

a tiny space that i can afford

and that could be all mine

and i want all my things in there

only things i need

nothing more

minimal

and clean

and i want windows

large and bright

with light

flowing through

white sheer currents

like comfort

and my bed

close by

 

i want to wake up with the sun

step on a fluffy rug

to my tiny makeshift kitchen

i just need a plug and a sink

nothing much

i can make tea with the kettle

and cook on a hot plate

and the only other thing in the tiny room

is a small cozy chair

and a table that unfolded

for me to use

to write on

and I take walks

in the morning

in the afternoon

and at night

by the park

I watch the people hurry through

while I move slowly and silently

i sit still and watch them

 

and I still will have to work

but my hours

won’t be long and miserable

just a couple of hours twice a week

or three times a week

and with all my other hours

i will create

i will write

i will sing

i will learn to paint

 

i do theater shows at night

and i stand on stage

under bright lights

i transform

and i tell stories of people who’ve never existed

 

then I walk home

and get ready for bed

with my tea

and my cat

and simple sleeping clothes

and the fluffy rug

and the large window

and maybe I have someone special

that I met

and maybe i don’t

I’m happy as I am

thats the plan

thats all i want

tell me

tell me you want to know what

makes my soul sing

my breath

to slow

in deep

pure gratitude

 

ask me what makes my heart dance

my cheeks

blush in excitement

a happy rosy pink

 

find out how my heart beats

in excitement

my life’s purpose

what secrets are crossed

between the synapses of my brain

 

thats what love is

I wait for someone

to tell me

to ask me

to find out

 

it’s  a wonder

i wait disgruntled

for someone to come along

 

but i was given

a way to find out on my own

 

to know myself

 

 

the pleasure of sharing the joy

of self fulfillment

New year(s) resolution(s)

ok it’s simple

Just eat more veggies. Sleep eight full hours. Exercise 30- 45 minutes a day.

Its easy.

Just think positive thoughts. Call the people you love. Laugh and talk with friends.

I don’t know what the big deal is.

Just keep your house clean. Follow your dreams. Go outdoors and take deep breaths.

Do want you love, dream big, and do all those Pinterest pins you pinned

And go out more so you’ll meet you’re future (soul)mate and make more friends

 

 

But

what if you can’t

 

 

you know what I mean?

 

 

can’t get up in the morning

you never want to be seen?

 

What if I can’t get out of my mind

because the fear and sadness

are like quicksand

and a black hole combined

 

What if I forgot what it feels like to feel fine?

 

and now the abnormal down is my highest up

and its still a secret, I think?

but I’m sure everyone around me has had enough

and people are kinda confused

 

they ask me why

so I tell stories of my sadness in past tense

like I have fully recovered and left all of that behind

 

and so people want to make new year(s) resolutions

and they want me to join

they ask me what I’m excited about

when I can’t even feel excited anymore

 

and so I promise to join a gym with her

and to give him a chance

and to finally make that youtube video

and finish reconciling last years finance

 

and take those acting classes

and go on those trips

while being numb to it all

just fake it all with smile on lips

 

New year resolutions

endless lists

when basic movements

impossible

everything is underwater

I can’t breathe

 

how long I can persist