no one is coming to save you

so save yourself

I repeated that

everyday with every breath

my new mantra

 

i had it as my wallpaper

on every one of my screens

i wrote it in all my books

i surrounded myself with it

 

no one is coming to save you

blunt and harsh

not a kind statement

a hard pill to swallow

 

it was a necessary process

to unlearn the years of fantasy

of disney dreams and fairytales

of magic happy endings

 

wishing upon a star

waiting for a fairy godmother

and a prince

or even a kind stranger

 

all i had to do was be good

and helpless

and wait for them to appear

my whole life. a damsel in distress

 

but the reality

was i was slowly sinking

in my naivety

a quicksand of ignorance

 

a time waste of longing

sitting by the window

looking out for a far off figure

to take me somewhere better

 

i packed my bags and hid them

and waited and waited and waited

until finally i realized

i can just pick them up myself and go

 

and so i did

i carried them out

and left

and it was glorious

 

it’s a wonderful thing to save yourself

its a wonderful thing to go

 

 

 

3 days free

day 1: Memorial day weekend 2017 has just begun. It began with my sister waking up bright and early and baking bread while listening to music. Her productive cheerfulness a stark contrast to my roomful anxious existence.

(It’s also the first day of Ramadan?)

Go for a walk you will feel much better

Outside I walked for one hour in nature because nature heals. I played music on my walk because music heals.

Nothing was healed on my walk.

(there were two couples running together and a fit mom running with her stroller)

Looming Doom intensifies.

My old roommate and one of my good friends is here. She is here to take the rest of her stuff because she’s moving away. 2.5 hours north.

Life is rough for her right now, lots of changes.

Life is rough for me right now, no changes.

We talk about doing awesome things in the future. I wait for my gut. Excitement? No. Just doom. (this is better than numbness trust me)

She leaves (I stay)

What will I do today? There is no internet. There hasn’t been internet for 3 days now. Call landlord again. No answer again.

Maybe I will download a stupid romance novel about a stupid nonsignificant heroine who is loved by everyone for no stupid reason and then I can stupidly pretend that she is me. (artificial)

Maybe I will go to NYC tonight and wander the streets and feel lonely in the hustle and bustle of it all. (just walk a lot and maybe lose weight)

Maybe I do this because I like to feel contrast? Maybe I do this because I need to feel.

Maybe I’ll be broken forever.