its coming up

my birthday is coming up

the holiday season is coming up

the pressure of . . what?

loneliness? Another year single

another year alone for the holidays

everyone is making plans with their family

its all coming up

a new year

I’m not ready

nauseous

my anxiety is coming up

out from the depth of its dark cave

where I laid it to rest

tucked it into bed

nice and tight

read it a bed time story

and sang it the sweetest lullaby I could find

I sang with all my heart

with all my sincerity

I wished it eternal rest

I watched it fall asleep

and I packed my things and left

the cave

and the

d

o

w

n

place where it resided

and today

between eating my meal

and checking my phone

it tapped my shoulder

then hugged me tight

then made its home with me

again

I’m actually never alone

independence day

i aint no wifey

no girlfriend, no lover

no daughter, no sister

i ant no one to nobody

 

independence day

 

depend on no one

stand strong alone like a large rock on an abandoned shore

a large stone unmoving pushing against the earth

unwavering against the elements

an oddly shaped rock, heavy around the mid section

with a prominent nose

 

the rock picks up the phone and dials

“hello this is Whole foods how can I help you”

yes what are your hours today?

“whole foods will be open for normal weekday hours”

oh okay

nothing changes for independence day

 

nothing changes for independence day

the rock’s fridge is still empty and whole food is still open

and you can still spend over $20 on the hot bar for food you can cook

but rocks don’t cook

then the least you can do is get up and go for a walk or hike

but rocks don’t move

 

the sibling roommate sister is gone again

the rock wonders if they can ever be friends

maybe you should tell her that you’re hurt when she leaves you

alone

especially on independence day

 

but the hours are the same

nothing has changed for the

day

and rocks

don’t get hurt

 

3 days free

day 1: Memorial day weekend 2017 has just begun. It began with my sister waking up bright and early and baking bread while listening to music. Her productive cheerfulness a stark contrast to my roomful anxious existence.

(It’s also the first day of Ramadan?)

Go for a walk you will feel much better

Outside I walked for one hour in nature because nature heals. I played music on my walk because music heals.

Nothing was healed on my walk.

(there were two couples running together and a fit mom running with her stroller)

Looming Doom intensifies.

My old roommate and one of my good friends is here. She is here to take the rest of her stuff because she’s moving away. 2.5 hours north.

Life is rough for her right now, lots of changes.

Life is rough for me right now, no changes.

We talk about doing awesome things in the future. I wait for my gut. Excitement? No. Just doom. (this is better than numbness trust me)

She leaves (I stay)

What will I do today? There is no internet. There hasn’t been internet for 3 days now. Call landlord again. No answer again.

Maybe I will download a stupid romance novel about a stupid nonsignificant heroine who is loved by everyone for no stupid reason and then I can stupidly pretend that she is me. (artificial)

Maybe I will go to NYC tonight and wander the streets and feel lonely in the hustle and bustle of it all. (just walk a lot and maybe lose weight)

Maybe I do this because I like to feel contrast? Maybe I do this because I need to feel.

Maybe I’ll be broken forever.