I have work in 5 hours.
I’m still up (again),
surprise!?
and you won’t believe why. . .
today I failed (again)
surprise(d)!?
I failed
something that I have attempted and
failed so many times
but here is the surprise
I finally learned to fail correctly
I failed well
I failed right
because I didn’t fail more
because just like you can try better
you can also fail more (it’s a spectrum)
look
when I usually fail my underlying disappointment in myself
and my distaste for who I am
fortifies and strengthens
“you are worthless, I knew this was going to happen” I say to myself when I fail
and then I fail more deeply
I do worse because I feel worse
because I am worse
but today
I said nothing to myself
I recognized my failure
and I stopped
and I rolled up it’s leftovers and threw it out
and I washed my hands
and I brushed my teeth
and I stretched deeply
and I thought about tomorrow
and How I can fail even better than today
slowly fail better and better until I see success
cross the line slowly
speak to myself kindly
and look at my failure as success
and for the first time since I was 15
I looked in the mirror
and I looked at my face
and I examined my features
and I no longer wanted a nose job.