1:18 AM

I have work in 5 hours.

I’m still up (again),

surprise!?

and you won’t believe why. . .

 

today I failed (again)

surprise(d)!?

I failed

something that I have attempted and

failed so many times

 

but here is the surprise

I finally learned to fail correctly

I failed well

I failed right

 

because I didn’t fail more

because just like you can try better

you can also fail more (it’s a spectrum)

 

look

when I usually fail my underlying disappointment in myself

and my distaste for who I am

fortifies and strengthens

“you are worthless, I knew this was going to happen” I say to myself when I fail

and then I fail more deeply

I do worse because I feel worse

because I am worse

 

but today

I said nothing to myself

I recognized my failure

and I stopped

and I rolled up it’s leftovers and threw it out

and I washed my hands

and I brushed my teeth

and I stretched deeply

and I thought about tomorrow

and How I can fail even better than today

 

slowly fail better and better until I see success

cross the line slowly

speak to myself kindly

and look at my failure as success

 

and for the first time since I was 15

I looked in the mirror

and I looked at my face

and I examined my features

and I no longer wanted a nose job.