this is different

this sadness is different

the downward spiral that i’m used to

. . .it now has an edge

it’s sharper and i’m even more fearful

to hurt myself

to accidentally slide against its railing

and cut myself horribly

and it feels inevitable

because the staircase of the spiral is getting narrower

and slippery

i’m not even walking down

it’s nudging me there

at first gently

but its roughness is apparent

the more down i go

and i try to hold on to the railings

but they’re sharp! (remember?)

and I’m more worried to bleed out than I am to fall down

because if I can go down

then I can go back up (right?)

 

but i’m scared to lose my blood

when i need it drawn for my doctor

i turn white and pass out

thinking of it being drained out

makes faint

and so i stopped getting blood work

and now I have no idea what’s going on in my body

but at least i’m not bleeding

 

growing pains

it hurt when i grew

one of the shortest in class in middle school

to 5’10 in high school

I had scoliosis

i grew crooked

and i wondered if there was something i could’ve done

to make sure i grew right

like a tomato plant

being held up as it attempts its futile journey to get closer to the sun

 

I’m growing now

in my loneliness and sadness

in my dark hole of existential crisis

in my self worth

and how it should not be tied to others

instead of a tomato plant

a carrot

growing deep and strong into the earth

 

but is it suppose to hurt this much?

it feels more pains than growing

it feels like an eternal cycle

never ending

always hurting

when can i stop growing?

 

try better

maybe you should try better and not just try more

and that’s what I’ve been doing all wrong

but on days like this

I feel sucked in and sunken in place

and I hate the way I look, how fat I feel

how ugly my face

 

and I spend time lying in bed

another beautiful sunny day

to spend entirely indoors

“sorry, I’m not free today.”

No people to see this face

thank goodness

 

and I watch tv and see beautiful successful people on display

and on social media, everyone is beautiful in their own quirky way

not me though, I’m un-lookable

especially today

and beauty is ugly crying in the bathroom alone

in its own quirky way

 

Eventually I have to eat right?

if I didn’t eat I would wither away

and lose the weight

and then I can’t be fat anymore and have to try again

 

and I need the food

the junky kind, its all I have to look forward to in life

a junky getting the temporary high

an unhappy soul that doesn’t want to exist but is not willing to die

 

put my cap on low on my face so there is nothing to see

venture outside

spend money then quickly get back to bed

and consume nothing that is good for me

 

I’ll try again tomorrow

I will shop for greens and make a healthy meal

go outside for a walk or run (haha)

call up a friend and chat. . .

and if I don’t do any of that

then I guess “I’ll just try again”

 

 

right?

and thats how i live my lie

 

why did i let myself

hey guys

its me

I’m feeling bad inside

I’m feeling bad outside too

and sad

and mad

because i let myself turn another year

because i let the worse demon possess me

hope

there was a reason it was in pandora’s box

 

you see its a new year

and same me

and i hoped it would be the old me

the happy me (was there ever?)

the hopeful me

and you know what

it started out that way

i met someone

i thought maybe was there

there is none

and you know what

i had a change in my immigration

a chance

but there is none

and i vowed to speak words of love and kindness

to my friends

but right now it feels like

there are none

(I know they’re there

but I can’t)

because why would i unleash my poisonous mind

my devastating loneliness

a heavy empty heart

 

on those i love?

it better to say nothing instead

The darkest hour

I’ve often thought of my darkest hour.

I’ve looked forward to it. . .

a necessary evil required to achieve a good life

and a strong character.

(It’s the hero’s journey and I wanted to be a hero)

Hardships were welcomed. They were challenges meant to be conquered.

Challenges so steep I feared I would never conquer them. . .Yet I did, somehow. And I observed their lessons and wisdom and life points.

And I moved on to the good part. The life is good part.

The no worries be happy part.

The everyday is a beautiful gift vivid with color part.

The life is beautiful part.

A few months ago, I came to the conclusion that I no longer want to live.

It was a frightening conclusion but not a sudden one.

It came right on time. Right before my birthday. Which would mean I would be for-ever young. I wouldn’t have the burden of aging.

And I thought

of everything I had ever wanted to achieve later in life. Of meeting a life mate, having a family, traveling the world, becoming an actress, making the world a better place

making myself a better person

I thought of all of these

and I saw nothing.

I used to see it clearly. All of these things (a vision almost like a prophecy.)

Seeing it so clearly, it must be true. And when I conquered those challenges it was what I lived for

but now

im empty

so are my dreams

my goals

my desire to exist

this is in no way dramatic or a late state onset of teenage gloom.

I’m not typing these words to show to someone or prove a point.

I’m not even saying I need help or attention.

that train has sailed and crashed

and left this empty shell of a being

and I remember thinking about dying before my birthday 2 months ago

and I remember seeing a post on askreddit

asking everyone — if their life ended back when they wanted it to,

what amazing things would have they missed out on?

so I asked myself the same

what would I have missed out on?

 

I would have missed out on this ugly snaking feel of ugliness and sadness

this numbing pain of loneliness and

desperation when you realize that the things that once brought you joy now bring nothing

(such a shame)

and

of wasted time on the internet not even looking at what you’re seeing

and the burden of waking up in the morning and seeing others and smiling and asking how they were and they ask the same and you have to lie but you can’t anymore and you can slowly see they no longer want anything to do with you because no one wants to deal with a miserable human being who is so unhappy with everything in life and has nothing to look forward to and spends hours on instagram seeing friends doing things together but never inviting me and even if they did I would say no

because

this is the darkest hour

its not when the world turns on you

its not when the family you love turns you out

its when you turn on yourself