2 more years

i have two more years,

i tell myself

before i can quit this job

in two more years

i’d have saved enough

to finally say goodbye

so its okay that my backaches

and that i barely feel alive

i have to keep it going

toughen it out

and i can retire before 35

.

i have two more years

i tell myself

before i fully get over this guy

my lifetime trend

of male obsession

lasts 4 years everytime

and now i’m in my sophomore year

so i still (sadly) think there is a chance

and i fantasize about a guy

who only wanted to be in my pants

.

i have two more years

i tell myself

before this immigration thing subsides

if there is no resolution by then

i will no longer sit on the fence and hide

i will pack my bags and leave it all

there are plenty of places besides

and if it does resolve and i can stay

then gladly i will do with pride

either way it must resolve

by the time im 32

i cant sit here forever wondering what to do

.

i have two more years

i tell myself

before i’ll be fit and strong

emotionally and physically

i will no longer do myself harm

i will be the put together adult

i’ve always dreamt to be

i’ll be in control of what i eat

how i move

and how i will feel

and i know this well

because starting tomorrow . .uh i mean today

i will follow good habits

and no longer go astray

.

when i’m 32

i tell myself

the pieces will all fall into place

all the hard work

all the sarcrifice

will finally end in grace

in two years time?

when im thirty two?

(even though now im actually 29)

i will look back at the mess of my 20s

and see how my stars align

oh so perfectly to lead me to

my heaven on earth, divine

(and i know deep inside

that there is no way this will be true

all my problems will not disappear out of the blue

but the only way i can continue on today

is to keep dreaming of 32)