2 more years

i have two more years,

i tell myself

before i can quit this job

in two more years

i’d have saved enough

to finally say goodbye

so its okay that my backaches

and that i barely feel alive

i have to keep it going

toughen it out

and i can retire before 35

.

i have two more years

i tell myself

before i fully get over this guy

my lifetime trend

of male obsession

lasts 4 years everytime

and now i’m in my sophomore year

so i still (sadly) think there is a chance

and i fantasize about a guy

who only wanted to be in my pants

.

i have two more years

i tell myself

before this immigration thing subsides

if there is no resolution by then

i will no longer sit on the fence and hide

i will pack my bags and leave it all

there are plenty of places besides

and if it does resolve and i can stay

then gladly i will do with pride

either way it must resolve

by the time im 32

i cant sit here forever wondering what to do

.

i have two more years

i tell myself

before i’ll be fit and strong

emotionally and physically

i will no longer do myself harm

i will be the put together adult

i’ve always dreamt to be

i’ll be in control of what i eat

how i move

and how i will feel

and i know this well

because starting tomorrow . .uh i mean today

i will follow good habits

and no longer go astray

.

when i’m 32

i tell myself

the pieces will all fall into place

all the hard work

all the sarcrifice

will finally end in grace

in two years time?

when im thirty two?

(even though now im actually 29)

i will look back at the mess of my 20s

and see how my stars align

oh so perfectly to lead me to

my heaven on earth, divine

(and i know deep inside

that there is no way this will be true

all my problems will not disappear out of the blue

but the only way i can continue on today

is to keep dreaming of 32)

Undocumented.

I’m finally writing my first post. (I’ve finally started a blog!)

It’s funny. I’ve written the first blog post of my nonexistent blog multiple times in my head. I was going to introduce myself and my interests. I was going talk about my ambition to become a better person. I was going to talk about my dreams of becoming a financial independent travel blogging minimalist actress. I was going to track my progress here as I learn to be healthier and fitter. I was going to learn how to take bomb ass photos and do cool yoga poses and make my life #GOALS. I was going to inspire others and be inspired and maybe start a nice tight-knit loving community that believes in a better world.

I still can.

But that won’t be the subject of my first post.

In 2012, a year before my college graduation, Obama implemented DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals). It’s an executive action that allowed undocumented immigrants like me who were brought to the USA when they were children to be able to come out of the shadows. Under DACA I can work legally and be protected from deportation. It’s a temporary status that expires every 2 years but can be renewed as long as the program holds. So I graduated from college as an Engineer, got a pretty awesome job, and started planning out my future. I saw DACA as the beginning of a much-needed immigration reform. After all, what administration would want to punish a group of people who were too young to know what illegal immigration was? A group of people who took the opportunity to register for a legal option out of the shadows as soon as it became available to them? A group of people who grew up and lived in United States almost all their lives??

On November 9, 2016 Donald Trump was elected to the 45th President of the United states and suddenly DACA was threatened to be no more.

Just like that my life has changed. My thoughts are no longer preoccupied with my work schedule and what vegan dinner I should cook tonight. Now there is just fear and uncertainty. What now? What will happen to me and my sister and hundred of thousands of other good hard-working people across the US? Is my life here over?

But life goes on.

So you sleep for two hours with a sinking feeling of despair in you belly and you go to work the next day and you smile. And your fake smile persists as you nod and say “I hope so!” to all your coworkers and friends who assure you that everything will be fine and that “he can’t do that”. And they tell you that you are a good hardworking person who is highly valued (which is the nicest, most amazing compliment to hear) and for that reason you won’t lose your status.

Like being good means that life will be fair for you.

Like hard work means that you are deserving of reward.

Like life owes you anything.

“Look he’s not gonna do anything. It’s impossible for him to deport everyone and you are a good hard-working person not somebody taking advantage of the government. And he said that he will let the ‘good’ ones stay. So you are not going anywhere. Also he can’t just do that he has to get approved and then he can be vetoed or something isn’tthathowitworks and youareworriedfornoreason”

k thnx.

Sorry.

I’m being a bit bitter.

But I’m not over reacting, I’m not just freaking out for reason, and I’m not a millennial throwing a hissy fit because things didn’t go her way. DACA is not the law; if Trump follows through with his promise all he has to do is rescind it. This is not an instance of “what ifs” being thrown around. He has promised this, and he has the tools to do it.

FIRST, cancel every unconstitutional executive action, memorandum and order issued by President Obama.

This is his first action under his “five actions to restore security and the constitutional rule of law” in his 100 day action plan as his contract to the American voter. His promise to repeal DACA is stated again as number 5 in his 10 point plan to put America first.

Immediately terminate President Obama’s two illegal executive amnesties. All immigration laws will be enforced – we will triple the number of ICE agents. Anyone who enters the U.S. illegally is subject to deportation. That is what it means to have laws and to have a country.

“But he can’t do that”

I hope you are right. Right now I’m still stunned about the election and drowned with fear of uncertainty but its important to stay positive and think of an action plan (coming soon?).

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Oh yeah and welcome to my blog.